


First Step

by charis_chan



Series: Of Addictions and Bad Habits [2]
Category: Amar a Muerte (TV)
Genre: Alcoholism, F/F, spanglish
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-05
Updated: 2019-03-05
Packaged: 2019-11-12 03:22:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 9,278
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18002864
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/charis_chan/pseuds/charis_chan
Summary: “I swear,” she said. “Just one glass.”She promised she was sticking with just a single glass of wine to enjoy dinner.She promised she was going to say no when, without doubt, Guillermo or Eva offered her something stronger.She promised she was going to stick by you and drink water through the night.Or,A one-shot looking deeply in Valentina's alcohol dependency and how Juliantina will deal with it.Spanglish and English versions available within.





	1. Spanglish Version

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this before the finale, so Lucía is touring the world with Jacob/León and Eva gave birth to a son and she's rising him as a single mother back at the family house.

“Te lo juro,” she said. “Solo una copa.”

She promised she was sticking with just a single glass of wine to enjoy dinner.

She promised she was going to say no when, without doubt, Guillermo or Eva offered her something stronger.

She promised she was going to stick by you and drink water through the night.

Watching her come back from dancing without a care in the world, you shake your head at how so far she had only managed to keep one promise tonight. When she’s not dancing with her brother, or making silly moves around Renata and her friends, she’s always by your side. Each and every time she needs a break she’ll zero on you and she’ll drape her arms around you, hugging you hard and filling your nose with the mezcal smell that leaves her mouth.

“¡Juls!” she slurs as she comes and leans against you. “¡Ven a bailar!”

You steady her by the waist as she wobbles when she tries to tug you to the dancing floor. The place is crowded, more crowded than you’re comfortable with, so you shake your head at her. You are all celebrating Guillermo and Renata’s first anniversary and after a fancy diner with the family the younger generation decided to continue the party at one of the newest bars in the city.

You had wanted to say no, to remind Valentina of her promise, but you also didn’t want to make a scene before her family. By that point Valentina was already three glasses of wine and one of whiskey in and, while not drunk yet, she had been too happy to say not to.

And that is one of the problems. Valentina was happy then, drinking with her family and enjoying herself. She is happy now, dancing and mixing her drinks, feeling the buzz and feeling content.

You couldn’t say no to her. Not when she’s smiling this freely for the first time in days.

After she got detained for driving drunk Valentina seemed to dim down. The Valentina you know is like sunlight: bright, warm and making everything around her shine. The Valentina after her stint imprisoned is dull, slow to act and generally easy to say yes to whatever you want.

At first you thought it was because she was still ashamed of getting caught drunk, but as the days passed and you two continued your lives as normal, she still didn’t change. At all.

“!Juls!” she whines in your ear, making it buzz. “!Baila conmigo!”

You kiss her nose and pull her farther away from the dancing floor. By the way she barely keeps up with you, you know it’s time for a water break. “¡Ven!” you order her instead.

And just like she has been doing since that night, she nods and lets herself be guided to the bar for some water.

Right now, you are glad she’s not putting up a fight, but you miss your little firecracker. You miss how she argues about everything and anything, always so strong minded and firm in her believes. You miss how you used to talk with her and reach a compromise over most of your everyday life, from what to have for breakfast to who was topping that night.

Since that night Valentina haven’t argued with you once, she simply nods and does as you say. The first time she did that when you were having sex you freaked out. You freaked out so much that you stopped mid action and she didn’t complain.

She didn’t voice any frustration then and she hadn’t so far.

You haven’t had sex since.

You worry, but maybe you can use this to your advantage right now.

“Hey, hermosa,” you whisper-yell in her ear to be heard over the loud music once she’s downed her bottle of water. “Let’s head out of here!”

Valentina bites her lip and glaces around. She looks like she’s about to protest, but, just like she’s been doing, she takes your hand and nods. “Okay!”

You sigh half in relief and half in concern. It’s nearing two a.m. and you want her to sleep her drunkenness off sooner rather than later. This is her first time drinking since that night and you’ve lost count on how many drinks she’s had and you fear how bad her body will react after her dry spell.

You remember your mom telling you how it was good that El Chino drank constantly when you asked her why you needed to buy his beer everyday. If done correctly, she said, drinking steadily made him docile and hard to anger. He was a violent man, yes, and he always was no matter how much beer you bought him, but you can admit that the worse times where when he was without his beer for days. When he suddenly drank again he became a monster for a day or two before going back to his usual assholeness.

Valentina is used to stuff much stronger than beer, but you think the same concept might apply. This is the longest she’s gone without drinking and you fear the fallout. Even when she promised she’d focus on her studies and that she wouldn’t party as hard, it was nor uncommon for her to drink wine or have some mezcal at night.

You never said anything, only putting down your foot for that last week – finals’ week –, which lead to the mess you’re currently living in. You really believed you were helping her. Now you are not so sure.

You wonder, as you lead Valentina to your car and away for the bar, if Valentina’s strange mood has to do with how she didn’t taste any alcohol in days.

XxXxX

“Lo siento.”

Valentina’s mumble makes you look from the eggs you’re scrambling for brunch. She is leaning against the door’s frame and you’re struck how she is such a beautiful mess. A strand of hair is stuck to her lips and she’s pale. Her over-sized shirt covers down her mid-tight and her legs are bare. You are fairly certain her mismatched socks are actually yours and she must have dressed with her eyes closed because they clash.

She slept for longer than you anticipated and she looks like she could sleep for another century.

You turn off the stove and open your arms to her. She comes into the kitchen quickly and into them.

“Lo siento,” she says again.

You kiss her cheek. The smell of alcohol still lingers on her skin. “Lo sé.”

She sniffles. “No lo vuelvo a hacer,” she promises wetly. “Lo juro.”

You hug her tight as she starts crying. “Está bien. Te creo.”

A disgusting feeling washes over you. You feel dirty and suddenly two feet tall. You are an honest person. You don’t like to pretend, you don’t like to lie, specially to those you care for.

“Está bien, amor.” You rub her back and kiss her cheek again. “Te creo, princesa.”

That sick feeling only grows.

You don’t believe her.

XxXxX

Her second dry spell lasts a handful of days longer than her first.

It’s summer and you both are trying to enjoy your vacations. Valentina still doesn’t know if she’s going into psychology or not. She says she doesn’t want to study in her old school and she’s still looking into programs around the city. Ideally, she says, she wants to go to school near you, but you both know that could not be the case once she makes up her mind.

It’s highly possible for Valentina not to start school next term but you are going back to classes come August and so you try to make the most of the weeks you have before that.

Touring the city never gets old, specially if you have Valentina at your side. Most days are spent outside, visiting museums and coffee shops. You avoid bars and seafood restaurants in an effort to avoid Valentina wanting a drink. Her family is busy with business and Sergio is off in Canada, so she doesn’t feel any pressure from them to drink.

For a couple of weeks everything is fine. Or as fine as things can be with Valentina acting as she does. She is still meek and compliant. She is still eager to please you and you have to constantly monitor your interactions with her in fear of hurting. You don’t like the strain that leaves in your relationship, but you believe time will make it better. You firmly believe that Valentina will snap out of it sooner or later.

You are determinate to wait for her. For as long as she takes. In the mean time, you try to have a good time.

You still keep the sex to a minimum, though. Being intimidate with Valentina is this state feels wrong. You let her touch you and taste you as much as she wants, but you are too preoccupied with her consent to be able to reciprocate. She doesn’t say anything and you’re glad for that.

So, for a couple of weeks, things go right.

It’s when your mom calls you asking for help with her newest job when everything goes wrong.

XxXxX

“Val…”

You can’t believe this is happening like this. You leave to help your mom sell the last of her tickets and you come home to find Valentina sprawled and passed out in the couch, an empty bottle mezcal on the floor and Valentina’s soft snores echoing in the room.

You’ve been glued together to the hip for the past weeks and the only time you leave her on her own she starts drinking again.

You don’t know how you feel.

You think finding Valentina drunk would have made you angry, but that’s not how you’re feeling. No. You are not angry. You’re worried, scared and unsure.

Worried because Valentina waited until you were gone to drink.

Scared because this is shaping up to be more complicated than you first thought.

And unsure because you are at loss on what to do now.

You can enable Valentina’s drinking habits. It’ll be easy for you to let her drink as she likes and be done with it. It’ll be as easy, getting her mezcal as you got beer for El Chino. It’ll be easy keeping her buzzed and happy. 

It’ll be so easy.

But you don’t want that for Valentina. You love her too much to let her drown that way.

“Amor.” You kneel by her head and comb some strands of hair from her face. “Valentina, despiertate.”

She mumbles something and shifts in place.

You can’t help but snort at her. As scared as you are you can’t stop feeling such warmness when you look at Valentina. She is your moon and stars and you’ll die before you let her keep hurting herself.

She is your world, the one that makes you a better person, the one that you want to grow old with. Valentina is what most people look for all their lives and you won’t give up on her.

With that resolve firmly set, you think you know what to do.

“Valentina,” you call again. Your fingers start tracing her eyebrows. “Despierta, morrita.”

“Juls…” she whines drowsily. She turns to face the back of the couch and curls into herself, shying away from your fingers.

You have to smile at her antics. Sleepy Valentina always acts like a child.

“Valentina Carvajal,” you say in the sterner tone you can muster, forcing your smile down. This is serious and as cute as Valentina is, there’s a difficult talk to be had. “Despiertate ya.”

The tone must have worked, because Valentina wakes startled and rounds to you. Her eyes take a moment to focus on you and she blinks once, twice, before they are filling with tears. “Oh, my God,” she whispers as her face pales. She looks horrified and you think you know why she is acting like this. “Juliana, por Dios, lo siento. ¡Lo siento muchísimo!”

You catch her in your arms as she collapses. “Shhh, amor,” you coo. “Lo sé. Lo sé.”

“Dios, Juliana, te juro que no lo vuelvo a hacer… No sé que pasó. Un momento estaba viendo la tele y después estaba tomando y… y…” She hides on your neck. “Te juro por Dios, Juliana, esta fue la última vez.”

You tense at her words and she can feel it by the way she tenses back against you. “Val…” You bury your nose on her hair. “No.”

She freezes completely at that word. “¿Juls?” she whimpers softly.

You close your eyes and steel your resolve. “No, Valentina,” you repeat firmly. “No prometas algo que no vas a cumplir.”

She pushes you away and the look she gives you is one of pure betrayal. “Juls…”

You grab her hands. “Amor.” You kiss her knuckles. “Amor. Entiendo. De verdad. Entiendo.”

“Pero-”

“Pero no hagas esas promesas, hermosa.” You tug her to you, hugging her tight. “Val, ¿neta quieres dejar de tomar?” you ask her somberly.

She frowns at you. “¡Claro que sí!” With how quick she answered, you know she haven’t really thought about it.

You kiss her frown away, tasting the mezcal that still lingers in her mouth.

“Te lo juro, Juls,” she says against your mouth.

You peck her lips once. You bend down a little, looking for her eyes and trying to look as safe as possible. “Ya, princesa. Quiero que lo pienses bien antes de contestarme.”

“¡Lo he pensado!” she complains in a whine. Her eyes turn pleading. “¿No me crees? Te juro que ya no voy a tomar.”

And now it’s time to be really honest with her. Really, really honest. Even when you know you’ll hurt her.

“No, Val. No te creo.”

XxXxX

You wait an hour before making the call. It pains you making the call, it pains you more than the bruise you can feel forming on your cheek.

“ _¿Bueno?”_

“¿Val llegó bien?”

“¿ _Juliana?”_

“Sí.” You don’t want to make small talk. You just need to get this done with.

There’s a pause on the other side. “ _¿Me puedes decir por qué mi hermanita llegó a casa llorando?”_

You exhale shakily. Calling Eva is the last thing you planned on doing this fine Saturday, but desperate times calls desperate measures. “Nos peleamos, Eva. ¿Llegó bien?”

After you confessed your lack of belief in Valentina’s promises, everything got out of hand.

She jerked away from you, accidentally bumping her head on your cheekbone. You were dazed enough with that hit that you realized too late that Valentina left the apartment before you could elaborate.

Guillermo and Renata are remodeling their house, so it was a no-brainer to think that Valentina headed to her family home in a moment like this. After giving birth, Eva had taken on going home as early as possible, so she was the one you called. She was the one you were sure would be there for Valentina.

“ _Eso es más que obvio, Juliana. Lo que quiero es saber por qué.”_

Eva and you still have trouble seeing eye to eye. She is more open for you to be with Valentina, going so far as to help you get your apartment as a show of remorse, but you still clash every time you meet. You tend to avoid each other, but right now you know she’s your safest bet into knowing how Valentina is doing without all the pitying crap.

“Eso es personal, Eva. Por favor, sólo dime que Valentina llegó bien.”

She exhales loudly on the speaker. “ _No llegó bien, idiota. Llegó llorando un mar y es tu culpa.”_

You grit your teeth. “¡Ya lo sé!” you snap to her. “Solo dime que no le pasó nada en el camino.”

Eva snorts. “ _Obvio le pasó algo. Te conoció.”_

This is hopeless. Eva won’t talk to you without insulting you and she won’t let you know how Valentina is doing either. You really thought she was your safest bet right now and you were wrong.

Without much thought, you hang up the phone and let it fall besides on you on the couch.

You groan and rub your temples.

Your phone chimes with a notification.

You pick it up without looking and unlock it. You got a new text message, from a number you haven’t ever before.

_**19:45 : Llegó hace veinte minutos. Llegó bien. Está encerrada en su cuarto. En cuanto duerma a Julián voy con ella.** _

You smile thinly at that. Eva texting you is surreal, but at least you know Valentina will always have a guardian dog to look after her, no matter what happens next.

You slump against the back of the couch and sigh. 

Valentina left in anger and hurt, but you don’t regret voicing your thoughts. You needed to tell her what you really think, what you feel. Yes, you don’t think she can keep her promises when it comes to her drinking, but that’s not because you don’t think she’s untrustworthy. No. But Valentina is too into her head right now to her your reasoning.

She left before you could elaborate but that’s fine.

You shift to lay on the couch. You don’t feel like spending the night in your bed alone, so you’ll try to nap in here. You are going to give Valentina the night to cool off. Tomorrow, you’ll call her and gauge if she’ll need more time on her own.

You are ready to wait for whatever long you need in order for her to feel safe.

You have a life to make her see that no matter what, no matter if she decides she will keep drinking, no matter if she decides this is the real deal breaker, you’ll always love her and support her.

You feel strangely at peace and, while it hurts you Valentina left, you know only good things will come.

XxXxX

You fall into a light sleep. 

Your phone keeps chiming every other minute with texts from Guillermo and Renata. They keep asking questions regarding your fight, apparently Valentina is keeping tight-lipped about it too. Other than letting them know that you two were at odds and that you’ll try calling her in the morning, you’ve been ignoring them.

You turn your notifications down in order to try and doze a little. You know a full night of sleep is unattainable, but you want to at least rest some to have the energy to talk with Valentina. You know that it’ll be an emotion filled talk and that it’ll drain you once you are done. You want to be as prepared for that.

Your sleep is light enough that every time your phone buzzes you jolt awake, but after a while you learn to turn the buzzing out and you reach a place of nothingness and quiet. That’s why, when you find yourself suddenly shoved into reality, it takes you a moment to realize that your phone is buzzing constantly. It takes you a moment longer to realize that someone is calling.

You grab your phone blindly and a small jolt panic curses through you when you see who is calling.

“¿Val?” you croak in greeting. “¿Estás bien?”

Valentina sniffles loudly. You can hear her soft crying and your chest hurt. “ _No,”_ she whimpers. “ _No, Juls…”_

You sit up and reach down to grab your shoes. You start putting them on with one hand. “¿Qué pasa, amor?”

Valentina whines lowly. “¿ _Puedes venir por mi?”_

You are already up and heading towards the door. “Claro que sí, princesa. ¿Dónde estás?”

“ _En casa de mi papá.”_

You pause at that. You really thought that if she’s calling for a ride, she’d be at some bar or another. You look at the hooks next to the door and, sure enough, Valentina’s are still hanging there. You didn’t notice that she left without her car.

Than thought makes a wave of affection and gratitude wash over you.

Even if she had alcohol, Valentina was conscious enough to not put herself into a drunk driving situation again.

You were silent too long, because Valentina’s tiny voice reaches your ears again, “ _Por fa._ _La neta no quiero pedir un Uber.”_

You pull your phone away from you to notice that its four in the morning. That’s a good call. It’s too late for a girl to be on her own on an Uber. “Dame veinte minutos, amor. Ya voy para allá.”

You exit your apartment and head downstairs. You don’t know if you need to hang up or not, but truthfully, you don’t want to.

Apparently, Valentina is of the same mind, because she doesn’t hang up either.

It takes for you to reach the floor where your car is in the parking lot for the connection to start being wobbly.

“¿ _Juls?”_ Valentina asks among the static.

“Estoy en el sótano, bebé,” you explain.

“ _Oh.”_ You both know that it’ll be any second now for the call to drop. You stay in place, hoping to prolong the call as much as you can, and wait to see if she’ll say something. She does. “ _Te amo.”_

You smile. “Yo también te amo. Ya voy saliendo.”

You start walking towards your car and you manage to hear her say, “ _Te veo pronto,”_ before your phone becomes pure static.

You get into your car and out in the night with a light heart and the knowledge everything is fine.

XxXxX

You park your car in front of her gate. You were planing on waking the guards so you could head in, but the moment you are close enough, you see that Valentina has been waiting for you just beyond the gate.

You park and she comes rushing to you. She climbs on the passenger seat and she throws her arms around you. It’s uncomfortable with the shift stick in the middle, but you return the hug as best as you can. 

“Deberías haber esperado adentro, princesa,” you chide her softly. She might have waited practically at her doorstep, but the city is dangerous and you fret.

You can feel how she relax against you completely, going practically boneless. “Perdón,” she says and you know she means more than how you gently scolded her just now.

You kiss her temple. “Wanna talk? ¿O quieres esperar? ¿Qué prefieres?”

She pushes away from you, letting you see her properly. She is really pale, her cheeks are still stained with her tears and makeup and her eyes are red and puffy. She is trembling slightly and the night is not cool enough for coldness to be the cause. She rubs at her eyes and shifts in place. “Prefiero un trago,” she laughs dryly.

You tense at her words. What is she playing?

She looks at you with tired eyes. “¿Sabes qué fue lo primero que Eva me dijo cuando me vio?” The blueness of her eyes is dull as she gaze at you pained. You shake your head. “Me dijo: ‘Vale, necesitas un trago, vamos a la cava.’ No sabes lo feo que fue eso.”

You have the feeling she’s going to start rambling, so you wait to see what she needs to say.

“O sea,” Valentina licks her lips, looking away, “quería hablar, Juls. Necesitaba decirle a alguien lo que está pasando. Guille no estaba, y Eva es un asco. Cuando le dije que no tenia ganas de tomar, se puso rara y me dejó para ir por ron… Juls… me sirvió un vaso, aún cuando le dije que no quería y se fue. Me dejó la botella.” She turns to you and you can see the confusion and distress clear in her face. “Cuando Guille llegó y vio mi vaso lleno, me preguntó super inocente en qué vaso iba. Si necesitaba agua, si quería algo de comer.

“Juls… mi hermana cree que cada vez que me ve llorar necesito alcohol para sentirme bien, y mi hermano cree que cada vez que me ve llorando estoy peda.” She blinks and two fat tears run down her cheeks. “¿Tú piensas lo mismo? ¿Crees qué solo puedo ser feliz borracha? ¿Qué solo siento cuando estoy tomando?”

You file in the back of your mind how apparently she hadn’t drank anything while at his dad’s, and focus on everything else she’s telling you right.

It’s a lot to unpack. Yes, you have known for a long time that Valentina’s family enables her drinking habits, but until now you hadn’t thought of Eva and Guillermo the way Valentina describes them. You know they love her, but you also know that the Carvajal family is messed up in several levels and it shows more and more as you get to know them.

Valentina is looking at you like a famished man looks at tacos, and you smile softly at her. “Amor.” You take one of her hands in yours. “No. No creo eso. No necesitas alcohol para estar bien. No lo necesitas para ser feliz.” She visibly deflates. “Pero sí creo que tienes un problema. Sí dependes mucho del alcohol, morrita. Is your first choice of comfort.”

Valentina’s lip trembles and she starts sniffling. She nods. “Lo sé.” She closes her eyes pained. “Las personas como yo somos violentas… tal vez deberías alejarte… no qui-”

“Val, te amo,” you interrupt her right away. “Eres la persona que más quiero en el mundo mundial, así que no digas eso, ¿okay? Pase lo que pase, yo voy a estar aquí, contigo. Vamos a hacer lo que sea necesario para que estés bien. ¿De acuerdo? Además, ser alcoholico no es sinónimo de ser violento. No todos son El Chino.”

She opens her eyes and they shift from side to side. She reminds you of that one jackal you saw El Chino trap once. It was so frightened at being caged and Valentina is acting just like that… like a vulnerable, terrified animal waiting for its execution.

“… no quiero ir a reabilitación, Juls. No quiero que me tachen alcohólica.”

You smile at her, trying to reassure her. You think some people might already label her an alcoholic, but you don’t voice that. “No creo que necesites internarte, amor.”

“Pero -”

“Pero nada, Valentina. Va a ser difícil, sí, pero creo que podemos con eso, y más.”

She nods once more, just a tad hesitant. “Te amo.”

You both know that with that statement the conversation is shelved for when you are more awake, ready to tackle it again with more energy to map out a plan to follow.

“Yo te amo más.” You place her hand on the shifting stick and turn on the car, before placing your hand above hers and pulling away from her house. “¿Lista para ir a casa?”

“Por favor,” she slumps against the door, looking out to the waking city.

You drive in silence for a little while, both happy in the quietness of the early morning.

“¿Juls?” Valentina asks in a mumble.

“Yeah?” you ask just as quietly. Valentina’s mind is too vast and it’s always moving, always changing from topic to topic and always eager to share. She could say something regarding the conversation you just had just as well as she could start sharing facts over baby flamingos.

You can’t never be too sure with her, what she’ll share with you.

“Nos va a agarrar el tráfico,” she states miserably.

And you laugh at such a Valentina fact.

Of course, you’ll get stuck into traffic. Given the time, it would take up to two hours for you to get home.

But, at least you’ll share the pain, make it lessen that way.

Always.


	2. English Version

  


“I swear,” she said. “Just one glass.”

She promised she was sticking with just a single glass of wine to enjoy dinner.

She promised she was going to say no when, without doubt, Guillermo or Eva offered her something stronger.

She promised she was going to stick by you and drink water through the night.

Watching her come back from dancing without a care in the world, you shake your head at how so far she had only managed to keep one promise tonight. When she’s not dancing with her brother, or making silly moves around Renata and her friends, she’s always by your side. Each and every time she needs a break she’ll zero on you and she’ll drape her arms around you, hugging you hard and filling your nose with the mezcal smell that leaves her mouth.

“Juls!” she slurs as she comes and leans against you. “Come dance!”

You steady her by the waist as she wobbles when she tries to tug you to the dancing floor. The place is crowded, more crowded than you’re comfortable with, so you shake your head at her. You are all celebrating Guillermo and Renata’s first anniversary and after a fancy diner with the family the younger generation decided to continue the party at one of the newest bars in the city.

You had wanted to say no, to remind Valentina of her promise, but you also didn’t want to make a scene before her family. By that point Valentina was already three glasses of wine and one of whiskey in and, while not drunk yet, she had been too happy to say not to.

And that is one of the problems. Valentina was happy then, drinking with her family and enjoying herself. She is happy now, dancing and mixing her drinks, feeling the buzz and feeling content.

You couldn’t say no to her. Not when she’s smiling this freely for the first time in days.

After she got detained for driving drunk Valentina seemed to dim down. The Valentina you know is like sunlight: bright, warm and making everything around her shine. The Valentina after her stint imprisoned is dull, slow to act and generally easy to say yes to whatever you want.

At first you thought it was because she was still ashamed of getting caught drunk, but as the days passed and you two continued your lives as normal, she still didn’t change. At all.

“Juls!” she whines in your ear, making it buzz. “Come dance!”

You kiss her nose and pull her farther away from the dancing floor. By the way she barely keeps up with you, you know it’s time for a water break. “Come!” you order her instead.

And just like she has been doing since that night, she nods and lets herself be guided to the bar for some water.

Right now, you are glad she’s not putting up a fight, but you miss your little firecracker. You miss how she argues about everything and anything, always so strong minded and firm in her believes. You miss how you used to talk with her and reach a compromise over most of your everyday life, from what to have for breakfast to who was topping that night.

Since that night Valentina haven’t argued with you once, she simply nods and does as you say. The first time she did that when you were having sex you freaked out. You freaked out so much that you stopped mid action and she didn’t complain.

She didn’t voice any frustration then and she hadn’t so far.

You haven’t had sex since.

You worry, but maybe you can use this to your advantage right now.

“Hey, beautiful,” you whisper-yell in her ear to be heard over the loud music once she’s downed her bottle of water. “Let’s head out of here!”

Valentina bites her lip and glaces around. She looks like she’s about to protest, but, just like she’s been doing, she takes your hand and nods. “Okay!”

You sigh half in relief and half in concern. It’s nearing two a.m. and you want her to sleep her drunkenness off sooner rather than later. This is her first time drinking since that night and you’ve lost count on how many drinks she’s had and you fear how bad her body will react after her dry spell.

You remember your mom telling you how it was good that El Chino drank constantly when you asked her why you needed to buy his beer everyday. If done correctly, she said, drinking steadily made him docile and hard to anger. He was a violent man, yes, and he always was no matter how much beer you bought him, but you can admit that the worse times where when he was without his beer for days. When he suddenly drank again he became a monster for a day or two before going back to his usual assholeness.

Valentina is used to stuff much stronger than beer, but you think the same concept might apply. This is the longest she’s gone without drinking and you fear the fallout. Even when she promised she’d focus on her studies and that she wouldn’t party as hard, it was nor uncommon for her to drink wine or have some mezcal at night.

You never said anything, only putting down your foot for that last week – finals’ week –, which lead to the mess you’re currently living in. You really believed you were helping her. Now you are not so sure.

You wonder, as you lead Valentina to your car and away for the bar, if Valentina’s strange mood has to do with how she didn’t taste any alcohol in days.

XxXxX

“I’m sorry.”

Valentina’s mumble makes you look from the eggs you’re scrambling for brunch. She is leaning against the door’s frame and you’re struck how she is such a beautiful mess. A strand of hair is stuck to her lips and she’s pale. Her over-sized shirt covers down her mid-tight and her legs are bare. You are fairly certain her mismatched socks are actually yours and she must have dressed with her eyes closed because they clash.

She slept for longer than you anticipated and she looks like she could sleep for another century.

You turn off the stove and open your arms to her. She comes into the kitchen quickly and into them.

“I’m sorry,” she says again.

You kiss her cheek. The smell of alcohol still lingers on her skin. “I know.”

She sniffles. “I won’t do that again,” she promises wetly. “I swear.”

You hug her tight as she starts crying. “It’s okay. I believe you.”

A disgusting feeling washes over you. You feel dirty and suddenly two feet tall. You are an honest person. You don’t like to pretend, you don’t like to lie, specially to those you care for.

“It’s okay, love.” You rub her back and kiss her cheek again. “I believe you, princess.”

That sick feeling only grows.

You don’t believe her.

XxXxX

Her second dry spell lasts a handful of days longer than her first.

It’s summer and you both are trying to enjoy your vacations. Valentina still doesn’t know if she’s going into psychology or not. She says she doesn’t want to study in her old school and she’s still looking into programs around the city. Ideally, she says, she wants to go to school near you, but you both know that could not be the case once she makes up her mind.

It’s highly possible for Valentina not to start school next term but you are going back to classes come August and so you try to make the most of the weeks you have before that.

Touring the city never gets old, specially if you have Valentina at your side. Most days are spent outside, visiting museums and coffee shops. You avoid bars and seafood restaurants in an effort to avoid Valentina wanting a drink. Her family is busy with business and Sergio is off in Canada, so she doesn’t feel any pressure from them to drink.

For a couple of weeks everything is fine. Or as fine as things can be with Valentina acting as she does. She is still meek and compliant. She is still eager to please you and you have to constantly monitor your interactions with her in fear of hurting. You don’t like the strain that leaves in your relationship, but you believe time will make it better. You firmly believe that Valentina will snap out of it sooner or later.

You are determinate to wait for her. For as long as she takes. In the mean time, you try to have a good time.

You still keep the sex to a minimum, though. Being intimidate with Valentina is this state feels wrong. You let her touch you and taste you as much as she wants, but you are too preoccupied with her consent to be able to reciprocate. She doesn’t say anything and you’re glad for that.

So, for a couple of weeks, things go right.

It’s when your mom calls you asking for help with her newest job when everything goes wrong.

XxXxX

“Val…”

You can’t believe this is happening like this. You leave to help your mom sell the last of her tickets and you come home to find Valentina sprawled and passed out in the couch, an empty bottle mezcal on the floor and Valentina’s soft snores echoing in the room.

You’ve been glued together to the hip for the past weeks and the only time you leave her on her own she starts drinking again.

You don’t know how you feel.

You think finding Valentina drunk would have made you angry, but that’s not how you’re feeling. No. You are not angry. You’re worried, scared and unsure.

Worried because Valentina waited until you were gone to drink.

Scared because this is shaping up to be more complicated than you first thought.

And unsure because you are at loss on what to do now.

You can enable Valentina’s drinking habits. It’ll be easy for you to let her drink as she likes and be done with it. It’ll be as easy, getting her mezcal as you got beer for El Chino. It’ll be easy keeping her buzzed and happy. 

It’ll be so easy.

But you don’t want that for Valentina. You love her too much to let her drown that way.

“Love.” You kneel by her head and comb some strands of hair from her face. “Valentina, wake up.”

She mumbles something and shifts in place.

You can’t help but snort at her. As scared as you are you can’t stop feeling such warmness when you look at Valentina. She is your moon and stars and you’ll die before you let her keep hurting herself.

She is your world, the one that makes you a better person, the one that you want to grow old with. Valentina is what most people look for all their lives and you won’t give up on her.

With that resolve firmly set, you think you know what to do.

“Valentina,” you call again. Your fingers start tracing her eyebrows. “Wake up, girl.”

“Juls…” she whines drowsily. She turns to face the back of the couch and curls into herself, shying away from your fingers.

You have to smile at her antics. Sleepy Valentina always acts like a child.

“Valentina Carvajal,” you say in the sterner tone you can muster, forcing your smile down. This is serious and as cute as Valentina is, there’s a difficult talk to be had. “Wake up, now.”

The tone must have worked, because Valentina wakes startled and rounds to you. Her eyes take a moment to focus on you and she blinks once, twice, before they are filling with tears. “Oh, my God,” she whispers as her face pales. She looks horrified and you think you know why she is acting like this. “Juliana, goodness, I’m sorry. I’m really sorry!”

You catch her in your arms as she collapses. “Shhh, love,” you coo. I know. I know.”

“By God, Juliana, I swear I won’t do it again… I don’t know what happened. One moment I was watching tv and the next I was drinking… and… and…” She hides on your neck. “I swear on everything that’s holy, Juliana, this was the last time I do that.”

You tense at her words and she can feel it by the way she tenses back against you. “Val…” You bury your nose on her hair. “Don’t.”

She freezes completely at that word. “Juls?” she whimpers softly.

You close your eyes and steel your resolve. “Don’t, Valentina,” you repeat firmly. “Don’t promise something you won’t be doing.”

She pushes you away and the look she gives you is one of pure betrayal. “Juls…”

You grab her hands. “Love.” You kiss her knuckles. “Love. I get it. Truly. I get it.”

“But-”

“But don’t make those promises, beautiful.” You tug her to you, hugging her tight. “Val, do you really want to stop drinking?” you ask her somberly.

She frowns at you. “Of course I do!” With how quick she answered, you know she haven’t really thought about it.

You kiss her frown away, tasting the mezcal that still lingers in her mouth.

“I swear, Juls,” she says against your mouth.

You peck her lips once. You bend down a little, looking for her eyes and trying to look as safe as possible. “It’s okay, princess. I want you to think it thorough before you answer me.”

“I have!” she complains in a whine. Her eyes turn pleading. “You don’t believe me? I swear I won’t drink again.”

And now it’s time to be really honest with her. Really, really honest. Even when you know you’ll hurt her.

“No, Val. I don’t believe you.”

XxXxX

You wait an hour before making the call. It pains you making the call, it pains you more than the bruise you can feel forming on your cheek.

“ _Yes?”_

“Did Val arrive safely?”

“ _Juliana?”_

“Yes.” You don’t want to make small talk. You just need to get this done with.

There’s a pause on the other side. “ _Can you tell me why my baby sister came home crying?”_

You exhale shakily. Calling Eva is the last thing you planned on doing this fine Saturday, but desperate times calls desperate measures. “We had a fight, Eva. Did she get there alright?”

After you confessed your lack of belief in Valentina’s promises, everything got out of hand.

She jerked away from you, accidentally bumping her head on your cheekbone. You were dazed enough with that hit that you realized too late that Valentina left the apartment before you could elaborate.

Guillermo and Renata are remodeling their house, so it was a no-brainer to think that Valentina headed to her family home in a moment like this. After giving birth, Eva had taken on going home as early as possible, so she was the one you called. She was the one you were sure would be there for Valentina.

“ _That’s more than obvious, Juliana. What I want to know is why you two fought.”_

Eva and you still have trouble seeing eye to eye. She is more open for you to be with Valentina, going so far as to help you get your apartment as a show of remorse, but you still clash every time you meet. You tend to avoid each other, but right now you know she’s your safest bet into knowing how Valentina is doing without all the pitying crap.

“That’s personal, Eva. Please, just tell me if Valentina got there okay.”

She exhales loudly on the speaker. “ _She didn’t get here okay, you idiot. She came crying a river and that’s your fault_ . _”_

You grit your teeth. “I know that!” you snap to her. “Just tell me she didn’t get hurt on her way there.”

Eva snorts. “ _It’s obvious she’s hurt. You hurt her.”_

This is hopeless. Eva won’t talk to you without insulting you and she won’t let you know how Valentina is doing either. You really thought she was your safest bet right now and you were wrong.

Without much thought, you hang up the phone and let it fall besides on you on the couch.

You groan and rub your temples.

Your phone chimes with a notification.

You pick it up without looking and unlock it. You got a new text message, from a number you haven’t ever before.

_**19:45 : She got here twenty minute ago. Nothing happened. She’s locked up in her room. As soon as Julian is asleep, I’ll go be with her.** _

You smile thinly at that. Eva texting you is surreal, but at least you know Valentina will always have a guardian dog to look after her, no matter what happens next.

You slump against the back of the couch and sigh. 

Valentina left in anger and hurt, but you don’t regret voicing your thoughts. You needed to tell her what you really think, what you feel. Yes, you don’t think she can keep her promises when it comes to her drinking, but that’s not because you don’t think she’s untrustworthy. No. But Valentina is too into her head right now to her your reasoning.

She left before you could elaborate but that’s fine.

You shift to lay on the couch. You don’t feel like spending the night in your bed alone, so you’ll try to nap in here. You are going to give Valentina the night to cool off. Tomorrow, you’ll call her and gauge if she’ll need more time on her own.

You are ready to wait for whatever long you need in order for her to feel safe.

You have a life to make her see that no matter what, no matter if she decides she will keep drinking, no matter if she decides this is the real deal breaker, you’ll always love her and support her.

You feel strangely at peace and, while it hurts you Valentina left, you know only good things will come.

XxXxX

You fall into a light sleep. 

Your phone keeps chiming every other minute with texts from Guillermo and Renata. They keep asking questions regarding your fight as apparently Valentina is keeping tight-lipped about it too. Other than letting them know that you two were at odds and that you’ll try calling her in the morning, you’ve been ignoring them.

You turn your notifications down in order to try and doze a little. You know a full night of sleep is unattainable, but you want to at least rest some to have the energy to talk with Valentina. You know that it’ll be an emotion filled talk and that it’ll drain you once you are done. You want to be as prepared for that.

Your sleep is light enough that every time your phone buzzes you jolt awake, but after a while you learn to turn the buzzing out and you reach a place of nothingness and quiet. That’s why, when you find yourself suddenly shoved into reality, it takes you a moment to realize that your phone is buzzing constantly. It takes you a moment longer to realize that someone is calling.

You grab your phone blindly and a small jolt panic curses through you when you see who is calling.

“Val?” you croak in greeting. “Are you okay?”

Valentina sniffles loudly. You can hear her soft crying and your chest hurt. “ _No,”_ she whimpers. “ _No, Juls…”_

You sit up and reach down to grab your shoes. You start putting them on with one hand. “What’s wrong, love?”

Valentina whines lowly. “ _Can you come get me?”_

You are already up and heading towards the door. “Of course, princess. Where are you?”

“ _At my dad’s.”_

You pause at that. You really thought that if she’s calling for a ride, she’d be at some bar or another. You look at the hooks next to the door and, sure enough, Valentina’s are still hanging there. You didn’t notice that she left without her car.

Than thought makes a wave of affection and gratitude wash over you.

Even if she had alcohol, Valentina was conscious enough to not put herself into a drunk driving situation again.

You were silent too long, because Valentina’s tiny voice reaches your ears again, “ _Please. I don’t really want to take an Uber right now.”_

You pull your phone away from you to notice that its four in the morning. That’s a good call. It’s too late for a girl to be on her own on an Uber. “Give me twenty, love. I’m on my way.”

You exit your apartment and head downstairs. You don’t know if you need to hang up or not, but truthfully, you don’t want to.

Apparently, Valentina is of the same mind, because she doesn’t hang up either.

It takes for you to reach the floor where your car is in the parking lot for the connection to start being wobbly.

“ _Juls?”_ Valentina asks among the static.

“I’m underground, baby,” you explain.

“ _Oh.”_ You both know that it’ll be any second now for the call to drop. You stay in place, hoping to prolong the call as much as you can, and wait to see if she’ll say something. She does. “ _I love you.”_

You smile. “I love you too. I’m heading out now.”

You start walking towards your car and you manage to hear her say, “ _See ya soon,”_ before your phone becomes pure static.

You get into your car and out in the night with a light heart and the knowledge everything is fine.

XxXxX

You park your car in front of her gate. You were planing on waking the guards so you could head in, but the moment you are close enough, you see that Valentina has been waiting for you just beyond the gate.

You park and she comes rushing to you. She climbs on the passenger seat and she throws her arms around you. It’s uncomfortable with the shift stick in the middle, but you return the hug as best as you can. 

“You should have waited inside, princess,” you chide her softly. She might have waited practically at her doorstep, but the city is dangerous and you fret.

You can feel how she relax against you completely, going practically boneless. “Sorry,” she says and you know she means more than how you gently scolded her just now.

You kiss her temple. “Wanna talk? Or you rather wait? What do you want?”

She pushes away from you, letting you see her properly. She is really pale, her cheeks are still stained with her tears and makeup and her eyes are red and puffy. She is trembling slightly and the night is not cool enough for coldness to be the cause. She rubs at her eyes and shifts in place. “I want a drink,” she laughs dryly.

You tense at her words. What is she playing?

She looks at you with tired eyes. “Do you know what was the first thing Eva told me when she saw me?” The blueness of her eyes is dull as she gaze at you pained. You shake your head. “She said: ‘Vale, you need a drink. Let’s go to the cellar.’ You have no idea how shitty I felt.”

You have the feeling she’s going to start rambling, so you wait to see what she needs to say.

“I mean,” Valentina licks her lips, looking away, “I wanted to talk, Juls. I needed to tell someone what’s going on. Guille wasn’t around, and Eva is an ass. When I told her I didn’t want to drink, she got weird and left to find some rum… Juls… she poured me a glass, even when I told her no, and she left. She also left the bottle.” She turns to you and you can see the confusion and distress clear in her face. “When Guille got home and saw the glass, he asked in all innocence how many drinks I’d had. He asked me if I needed water, if I was hungry.

“Juls… my sister thinks that when I cry I need alcohol to feel beter, and my brother thinks that every time I cry I’m drunk.” She blinks and two fat tears run down her cheeks. “do you think that I only get to feel when I drink?”

You file in the back of your mind how apparently she hadn’t drank anything while at his dad’s, and focus on everything else she’s telling you right.

It’s a lot to unpack. Yes, you have known for a long time that Valentina’s family enables her drinking habits, but until now you hadn’t thought of Eva and Guillermo the way Valentina describes them. You know they love her, but you also know that the Carvajal family is messed up in several levels and it shows more and more as you get to know them.

Valentina is looking at you like a famished man looks at tacos, and you smile softly at her. “Amor.” You take one of her hands in yours. “No. I don’t think like that. You don’t need alcohol to be alright. You don’t need it to be happy.” She visibly deflates. “But I do think that you have a problem. You are alcohol dependent, girl. Is your first choice of comfort.”

Valentina’s lip trembles and she starts sniffling. She nods. “I know.” She closes her eyes pained. “People like me are violent… maybe it’s time for you to leave… I don’t w-”

“Val, I love you,” you interrupt her right away. “You are he person I love the most in the whole round world, so don’t say that, okay? No matter what happens, I’m gonna be here, with you. We are going to do whatever it takes for you to be alright. Got it? Besides, being alcoholic doesn’t equal being violent. Not everyone is like El Chino.”

She opens her eyes and they shift from side to side. She reminds you of that one jackal you saw El Chino trap once. It was so frightened at being caged and Valentina is acting just like that… like a vulnerable, terrified animal waiting for its execution.

“… I don’t want to go into rehab, Juls. I don’t want to be pegged as an alcoholic.”

You smile at her, trying to reassure her. You think some people might already label her an alcoholic, but you don’t voice that. “I don’t think you need to be committed, love.”

“But -”

“But nothing, Valentina. It’s going to be hard, yes, but we can deal with that and more.”

She nods once more, just a tad hesitant. “I love you.”

You both know that with that statement the conversation is shelved for when you are more awake, ready to tackle it again with more energy to map out a plan to follow.

“I love you more.” You place her hand on the shifting stick and turn on the car, before placing your hand above hers and pulling away from her house. “Ready to go home?”

“Please,” she slumps against the door, looking out to the waking city.

You drive in silence for a little while, both happy in the quietness of the early morning.

“Juls?” Valentina asks in a mumble.

“Yeah?” you ask just as quietly. Valentina’s mind is too vast and it’s always moving, always changing from topic to topic and always eager to share. She could say something regarding the conversation you just had just as well as she could start sharing facts over baby flamingos.

You can’t never be too sure with her, what she’ll share with you.

“We won’t avoid rush hour,” she states miserably.

And you laugh at such a Valentina fact.

Of course, you’ll get stuck into traffic. Given the time, it would take up to two hours for you to get home.

But, at least you’ll share the pain, make it lessen that way.

Always.

  


**Author's Note:**

> I might tackle the twelve steps of AA for this series.
> 
> Ideas and scenarios are deeply appreciated, so please, SHARE!!!


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